Before I go
by MsTonksLupin
Summary: -Before I go and end up hugging my own waist, 'cause there's this empty space in my bed tonight.- Inspired by the Molotov Jukebox song. Molly was right: Tonks had decided to spend Christmas alone. Until Remus visited her before going underground. 'I'm not regretting this. But I'm sorry.' The first time they got together. Bittersweet, stubborn, loyal, that's this fic, that's them.


**I had always thought that the perfect moment for Remus and Tonks to make love for the first time would be after the Hospital Wing scene, after Dumbledore's death. That would be too sweet and meaningful, however it occurred to me that it wouldn't be very realistic. Their story wasn't all happiness, fluff and butterflies after all. It was also stubbornness, hesitation and false decisions. I thought that with their personalities and idiosyncrasies the best period for them to get together for the first time, would be a sad, gloomy spot during the Half Blood Prince, totally unplanned, after long time that they hadn't seen each other, with bittersweet feelings, and with Remus screwing it up in the end…**

**Christmas is my favorite period, and I adore writing both happy and nostalgic Christmas fics. I guess that the best period for a nostalgic one, is in the middle of the Half Blood Prince!**

**Inspired by Molotov Jukebox's song, **_**Before I go.**_

_'I invited dear Tonks to come along today, but she wouldn't come. Have you spoken to her lately, Remus?'__  
__'No, I haven't been in contact with anybody very much, but Tonks has her own family to go to, hasn't she?'__  
__'Hmmm, maybe. I got the impression she was planning to spend Christmas alone, actually.'__  
_

_One cannot even be properly depressed and miserable on his own, nowadays, _Nymphadora Tonks thought bitterly. She was certain that Molly Weasley was only meaning good when she invited her to lunch at the Burrow, on Christmas day. Poor Molly still thought that she would have a chance to play the matchmaker between her and Remus, though Tonks wished she would stop. She had done everything to convince him to give a go at their relationship, but in vain. Molly Weasley's attempts wouldn't really change anything. All she wanted to do was to be alone. She had succeeded on spending Christmas Eve that way, stating that she was on duty. That wasn't a lie, after all. She had pleaded Savage to change duties with her and, of course, he hadn't denied. She preferred working on Christmas Eve, it would keep her mind occupied, prevent her from thinking the previous year's Christmas…

She had been wrong though. She was on duty with Sean Jenkins, another young, funny and kind auror, who had been trying in vain to ask her out on dinner. She really liked him, but strictly as a friend. He didn't have that thing Remus had… She snorted at the thought. _What Remus has, is the fact that he tries to get away from me, and I foolishly stick around him even more… how pathetic? _She had tried to convince herself, but she knew that wasn't true. Remus had much more than that. He had that completely selfless way of giving, of supporting his friends, he always helped Sirius deal with the difficulty he had to cope with staying at the Headquarters, he always comforted Molly about the future of her children, he tried to be there for Harry as if he was his own son, he gave all his best to the Order, and there were a few other things too… the way he had accepted her the way she was, the way he helped her up every time she fell, the way he looked at her with his chocolate eyes…

They could hear carol singing from every house in London. Nobody was in the streets apart from them, who were out to spy on a peculiar ex-Death Eater. Everybody was with their families, friends and loved-ones. On midnight, they had heard bells ringing. Jenkins had smiled and hugged her awkwardly. Sometimes she wished that she could feel something for another man, so that he would forget Remus, but it was impossible. That hug made her feel nothing. Nothing compared to the electricity Remus' touch and kisses filled her with. "Merry Christmas, Tonks!" he had wished. And what had she done in response? She had burst into tears. Nymphadora Tonks, who rarely ever cried before she had met him, now found it difficult to stop. She cried at work, at home, she cried every time she broke a nail, and every time she thought about Sirius. How couldn't she cry on Christmas Eve, that found her alone with a man she barely knew, away from him, not received having news for a while. Every memory from last year had immediately filled her mind. The fiasco at the ministry ball where he had escorted her, dancing together for the first time, and then returning to Grimmauld Place, getting the best present she had ever got in her life, and then kissing him next to the fireplace.

Jenkins patted her back uncomfortably. "Are you… crying? Did I say something wrong?"

"No, Sean. It's… it's fine. I'm fine."

The hell she wasn't.

She had declined Molly's invitation. The older lady had sent her some food and a jumper with Errol. Her mother had also invited her to lunch and she had declined that too, saying that she would spend the day with friends. They had believed her. Why wouldn't they?

Instead, she had woken up in the afternoon, and decided to take a shower. It was a luxury which she had denied to herself for a couple of days. She headed to the bathroom of her flat. She pulled her jumper of her shoulders and she stepped out of her jeans. She shivered. The flat was warm, yet not warm enough. She stood before the mirror in her dullest underwear, and stared at her reflection. The sight she gave disgusted her. Her skin was grayish pale, and her hair mousy brown. She had dark circles under her eyes, but the worst thing was the fact that she had lost a few pounds, which made her look even more lifeless. "No offence, sis, but you look crap." Her reflection said at her.

"Thanks", she muttered, stripping naked and entering the shower. She let the hot water fall on her body and relieve her aching muscles. It was comforting. Washing her hair took longer than needed. After all, she had more time left for herself, now that she didn't appear to all the Order meetings, and that she didn't have Sirius and Remus to spend her evenings with. The shower had become the best place to think, and that she did. Not that she had any fortunate thoughts, though, it was all about work, the war, and of course, Remus.

She knew that he felt things for her. It was too late for that to be hidden. The only problem was his stubbornness. She was a woman who tried so hard to get what made her happy. He was a man who struggled to push away every single thing that made him feel good. That was their difference. The only problem was that his decisions didn't affect just himself. They made her suffer even more.

She got out of the shower, trembling, and she quickly wore her clothes. She walked into the living room, stubbing her toe on the table. Tears appeared on her eyes again. She knew that she was pathetic. She fell on the couch, trying to fill some paperwork for the ministry. Where would he be now? Lunch at the Burrow would probably be over. It had started getting dark, and it was raining cats and dogs. The weather had agreed with her to be such as miserable as she felt. No white Christmas this year, only rain, mud and wetness. She waved her wand and the wireless started playing music. It was not _The Weird Sisters, _but it was good. She shrugged. And just then, she heard a knock at the door.

It would probably be carol singers, or Muggles who sold devices that got rid of insects, or Jehova's witnesses… She thought of pretending she wasn't home, her couch was so comfortable after all.

The knock insisted. She got up, ready to turn Muggles to cockroaches with her wand. She opened the door. It wasn't a Muggle, and it most certainly wasn't a Jehova's witness.

"What are you doing here?" she asked blankly.

Remus Lupin was soaked to the bone, he had his old travelling cloak wrapped around him, and he looked more tired and worn that she'd ever seen him before.

"Can I come in?"

She looked at him disbelievingly. Then, she stepped behind, letting him in her flat. She didn't cast a drying charm on his clothes, neither did he. His eyes examined her appearance. She decided to break the silence. Her heart had started racing from the moment she saw him after all this time, yet anger was taking over her. "What can I do for you, Remus?" she asked tiredly.

His look was rather embarrassed. "Molly thought you'd be alone today. I guess she was right."

"Did Molly need to remind you my existence?"

He sighed. "Look, Nymphadora…"

"Don't call me that!"

"Tonks, it's been difficult for me, too…"

"How adorable…" she said bitterly.

"I'm going underground tomorrow, so I decided to come today… keep you some company."

"Is that what I am? An old aunt who needs pity company?"

"You are a young witch who needs food. I guess you haven't been eating properly now, have you?"

He was right. She hadn't even touched Molly's food. "Why do you care?"

He sighed. "You have mistaken me, Tonks. I _do _care for you."

"Nice way to show it."

He ignored her comment, and pulled a packet from his cloack. "I thought that maybe you weren't in the mood for turkey, even when made by the best cook we've ever met. That's why I brought you chocolate. I don't think you can say no to that." She unwrapped the packet. Inside was Honeydukes' best chocolate cake.

"Really, Remus? Cake for lunch? That's not what a Professor would recommend, is it?"

He grinned. "I guess we can make an exception, as it is Christmas today."

_Yeah, Christmas… _she thought. Last year it had been her who wanted to make him have fun on such a day, now the roles seemed to be reversed. They remained silent while she ate. "I know you want some," she said suddenly, with full mouth. "But I won't give you any. You deserve it."

"It's true that I want some, but I won't mind at all if you don't give me." He smiled slightly. Tonks sighed. It was just impossible to deny Remus his chocolate. "Fine. You can have a slice. Because I'm a good person."

"You are a great witch, Nymphadora!"

"I know I am…"

"How have you been?"

"Ah, you know, bloody perfect! Being an auror during a war and also missing you… that's the recipe of happiness!"

He lowered his gaze. "Why are you doing this?"

"Because I know that you've missed me too, Remus. I know that and it's killing me." She received no answer. "Just say it. Say that you haven't missed me and I'll leave you alone!"

He shook his head slowly.

"Why don't you just say it?"

He raised his head and looked at her. His chocolate brown eyes were so kind and calm, yet she could sense a sadness in his expression. "Because I don't lie."

She could feel her cheeks flushing, as her heart fluttered in her chest. He _had _missed her after all.

"Harry told me that… that your patronus changed form." He muttered. Remus Lupin hadn't smelled her scent for so long and it was truly intoxicating. He felt dizzy, lost into it. Her lavender eyes were also driving him crazy, her lips, so full, so soft, when was the last time he had kissed them? He had tried to convince himself to stay away from her, but it was impossible. He was too poor, too old, too dangerous, it was true. But sometimes, these reasons didn't even seem satisfying enough to him.

"Is that why you came here? To confirm this? To boost up your male ego?"

He shook his head. "No. I came here because I wanted to see you before I got underground."

Remus Lupin certainly didn't expect Tonks to throw her arms around his shoulders, and to press her lips on his. None of them knew what they were doing, all that mattered was her tongue which tried to make its way into his mouth. He broke the kiss. "What are you doing?" he asked breathlessly, his heart pounding in his ears.

"I'm giving you something to take with you underground."

And with that, she pulled his face again for another kiss. That time, he didn't try to pull away. There was a tiny voice that disapproved of what was happening, but he was unable to control himself. He hadn't tasted her for so long, he had been dreaming of this kiss for months, he couldn't feel luckier that he got to hold her fragile, thin body again in his arms, that his arms stroked her mousy brown hair, that their tongues were caressing each other, that she was nibbling on his lower lip, sending shivers to his body. Her hand left his hair to stroke his neck, then his shoulders and back. They reached for the hem of his jumper, and slid under it. He sighed and broke the kiss as her nails trailed circles on his waist. Their breathing was rugged, their faces flushed with tension. He lowered his face and his lips brushed on her pale neck. A soft moan escaped her throat. "We shouldn't…" he breathed against her skin.

"Right," she mumbled, while throwing him back on the couch and getting on top of him. "We shouldn't." She pulled his jumper off his shoulders, kicking a glass with butterbeer which was on the table, causing it to end up on the floor. Her clumsy fingers tried to unbutton his graying shirt, while his hands found their way under her oversized jumper. He softly caressed her satin back, feeling her shudder at his touch. Without a second thought, she helped him get rid of his shirt, and started kissing him everywhere she could, from his throat and collarbone, then going lower, on his chest. He let a sigh, as his fingers travelled through her hair. He forgot to feel embarrassed about his scars, he forgot that he shouldn't be doing that, he didn't care for anything else. He pulled her jumper off and there she was, in her bra and baggy jeans, in his arms, kissing him. Their breathing was fast, their skins heated despite the cold weather. He stroked her back and then his hands made their way to the front, cupping her breasts over her bra, massaging them gently. Her head fell back and she moaned. His hands left her breasts and covered her hips, over her jeans. He pulled her closer and kissed her again. She stroked his torso again, and then, without hesitation, her arm got between their bodies, stroking his erection. "I think we should get that to bed." She breathed.

He suddenly pulled away looked at her, panicked, his heart racing. "We must stop! We can't do this!"

"I just need this before you go. I won't ask for anything in return…" she said breathlessly.

He knew that it was a mistake. He knew that he would regret it. He had tried so much to stay away from her and he had succeeded, only to pay her a visit on Christmas day and blow every effort in the air. Was he trying to fool himself? He didn't simply care for her, he _loved_ her, and he loved her deeply. He knew that now, being half naked, lying on her couch, their arms wrapped around each other's body, there was no going back. _Very well, _he sighed, put his arms under her shoulders and knees, and raised her in the air. He moved to her bedroom and placed her on her bed, as if she didn't weigh more than a feather. She pulled him next to her and they continued kissing. She unclasped her bra. They stopped kissing for a few seconds. There they stood, breathing heavily, as he looked at her holding her bra on her breasts. Then, she threw it on the floor, revealing her creamy, perky breasts. His voice came out husky, "why are you doing this to me?" Their mouths met again, only to part after a few seconds, as his own made its way down on her shoulders, then took a nipple in it. He sucked, gently at first, making her moan in pleasure, and lightly pull his hair with her fingers. This was pure ecstasy, they had done things before, but they were never so decided, so sure. Remus Lupin made her lose her mind. She got rid of her jeans and his breath caught in his mouth; she was beautiful. He needed to kiss every bare inch of her body, and that he did. He had to taste her swollen lips again, to kiss this gorgeous neck, those soft shoulders, every spot on her breasts, his lips and tongue softly brushed on their sides and on the line that separated them from her torso. Then he placed kisses on her flat belly and slim waist, finding a sensitive spot, causing her to gasp. He caressed her long legs, his hands got grip of her thighs and parted them. Only a small piece of purple material was between them… how annoying could underwear become? It was so relieving; doing what had been restricted for him all this time, doing what he had never stopped dreaming of. She tried to release him from his trousers but in vain, she was unable to undo the buttons, he immediately helped her, and there they were, almost naked, lying on her bed, staring at each other as though their eyes were trying to eat all they could after a year of starvation. He kissed her again passionately, feeling her groan with pleasure against his lips, as his hand found its way between her thighs. After a second's hesitation, he pulled her knickers off her legs. "Oh Remus", she sighed lying on her back, feeling her muscles paralyzing at his touch, realizing how wet he's made her.

No man had ever made her feel that way, no man had her shaking at his faintest touch, no man had made every single muscle of her body to ache with the pain his absence caused, but also with lust. How could he think that he was a monster? How could he think he would ever harm her? He was wonderful, he was all she had ever dreamt of, he was the best thing that ever happened to her. Would he be there in the morning? She didn't know, and she decided not to think about it. She prayed the night would never end. If all that was a dream, then she didn't want to wake up.

She lowered his boxers and took him in her hand, making it his turn to moan. He closed his eyes and tilted his head back, as she sent waves of bliss in his whole body. He was at her mercy and she knew that, it brought a smile on her face, until he decided to take the situation in his hands. He pulled off his boxers and pressed her body on the back of her bed. She spread her legs and, without losing any time, he pushed himself inside her.

They both gasped with ecstasy at this entirely new feeling. It was completely different than what any of them had experienced in the past. None of them could believe how perfectly their bodies fitted with each other, how every curve of hers embraced his figure in such a right way, how they could move together in total harmony, like they were dancing a dance of which they had already practiced the steps. Every line where one's body ended, was the beginning of the other's, it was like every inch of skin was already expecting the other's touch, and was welcoming it thankfully when it arrived. They were discovering each other for the first time, yet they knew what to do very well, it was like they'd always been together. She grabbed his hips and pulled him closer, she needed more. "I've missed you so much…" he said with a husky voice, holding her waist possessively as they moved as one, synchronized, just as synchronized as their frantic heartbeats. She moaned and sighed, the only word which could escape her mouth was _more, _but she didn't need to. He wasn't planning to stop anyway. He pressed his lips on the sweaty, heated skin of her shoulder, and she dug her nails into his back, letting a cry. "This is amazing… so amazing!" Finally he started shaking, he closed his eyes and buried his face between her breasts, he cried, she moaned, and they both collapsed on the bed, breathing heavily, feeling dizzy but full, and utterly contented.

It was possible that they would regret everything in the morning; it didn't matter, they both had earned the memory, the best memory they would ever share. She rested her head on his chest, listening to his heart as it came back to its normal rhythm. He stroked her hair and her fingers trailed circles on his waist. _I love you. I love you more than myself. _That's what she wanted to say. She had said it before, and she needed to say it now. It was painful to prevent herself from it. However, she thought it was not the right moment. She would tell him in the morning.

"Merry Christmas, Remus." She whispered instead.

"Merry Christmas, Tonks."

She fell asleep in his arms.

The morning came and she opened her eyes. She had accepted her fate even before she had realized it, even before waking up.

He was gone and she knew that before she turned her head to find an empty space in her bed. She was left alone with a note.

_Tonks,  
I'm sorry. I don't say I regretted it, I never will, but I'm sorry. It was the best Christmas gift I have ever received, but this has to end here. I'm going with the werewolves, don't try contacting me, it will be dangerous for the both of us.  
Promise me that you'll take care of yourself.  
Love,  
Remus._

Love. Honestly, _love_? She had thought that it wasn't possible to have your heart broken more than once, but he seemed to possess a certain talent for that. She crumpled the paper into a ball and threw it on the wall opposite her. Was that the way Remus Lupin understood love? He could take his love and shove it…

Her heart stopped when her eyes fell on a wrapped box on the chair next to her bed. With trembling hands, she opened it. There was a card inside. She recognized his handwriting. _Happy Christmas, Nymphadora. _In her hands she was holding a wooden box, with pale pink embellishments. She opened it, and the metallic notes of a nostalgic waltz filled the room. A tiny wooden pixie was dancing around herself. It was a jewelry box.

She let hot tears fall freely on her cheeks. She put the swallow headclip which he had given her last Christmas in the box, and left it open to play, until the music would die away. It didn't. She fell in her bed and sobbed like a baby, wrapping herself in the sheets that smelt of him.

**Before I go and end up hugging my own waist,  
'cause there's this empty space in my bed tonight.  
Wish you were stroking my face,  
instead of these sheets I should change.**


End file.
